


Yokubo wo Koete (Beyond the desire)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Flirting, Guilt, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 07:44:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “But you’ve said you’re spoken for. You didn’t say you don’t feel anything for me, right Hikacchi?”





	Yokubo wo Koete (Beyond the desire)

For a few weeks now, Hikaru hadn't been able to sleep well.

He couldn’t tell why. Or, better, he didn’t want to.

Unconsciously, he knew what was the reason behind his apprehension.

He had started feeling his stare on him at work.

Then the e-mails had started. Then the constant search for physical contact, and he was _never_ able to refuse him.

Inoo could be persistent, when he wanted to.

And he cursed himself, because he realized how those attentions didn’t leave him oblivious.

He always tried to pretend everything was fine, so that he wasn’t going to have to explain anything to Yuya and Yabu, but keeping that act was starting to become harder whenever the four of them were together.

Hikaru couldn’t take it anymore.

That morning they were shooting for their new PV; it had taken a while for all of them to execute the choreography correctly, and just as long to shoot the single takes.

When it had been his turn, Hikaru fidgeted; he was last, and Kei had been done right before him.

Yuya and Yabu had gone home a while ago, since he had asked them not to wait for him. Right now, he was regretting that choice.

He was walking toward the set, when Inoo had grabbed his arm, bringing his mouth close to his ear.

“I’ll wait for you, don’t worry.” he had murmured, and even though he couldn’t see him Hikaru was sure he was smirking.

That was why, for the first time ever, he had no real desire to be done with the shootings.

He didn’t know what to expect, he just knew that Kei’s tone left too much room for imagination, which right now was a very bad thing for him.

“Otsukaresama deshita!” he heard the staff say; he recovered from that moment of absence and bowed a little, unwillingly.

He went to change his clothes, anxious, and when he opened the door to the dressing room he felt relieved.

Inoo wasn’t there.

He dressed up quickly, wanting to go back home as soon as possible, to be with his boyfriends, to suppress any thought going through his mind.

He wasn’t going to make it.

Because he couldn’t help but feeling some sort of disappointment; on one hand, he was glad that Inoo hadn't waited for him. But on the other... he was curious to be alone with him. He couldn’t say why, but the way the other had spoken to him, the way he looked at him, made him feel like he hadn't in a long time.

Once he was done he grabbed his bag and walked slowly toward the building’s exit.

Outside, the first thing he saw was Kei, leaning against the thick glass door, his hands in the pockets of his jacket, looking pretty cold.

As soon as he saw the younger, he smiled openly.

“Hikka!” he called him. “I’ve been waiting, it took you forever.” he said, grabbing his hand and starting to walk with him.

Hikaru opened his eyes wide, and it took him a second to recover from the surprise.

“Kei-chan... I thought you had gone home.” he said, letting the elder lead the way.

The other smiled, shaking his head.

“I told you I was going to wait for you; I was tired of waiting in the dressing room and I’ve decided to come outside.” he raised his hands, showing the bluish marks. “It wasn’t the greatest idea.” he added, chuckling.

Yaotome bit his lip and nodded, not managing a better reaction than that.

They kept walking for a while, which Hikaru used to think about what was happening. When he turned toward the elder, he looked confused.

“Where are we going, Kei?” he asked, frowning.

“Nowhere particular.” the other replied, then he seemed to change his mind. “But we’re not that far from my place, if you want.” he suggested, his expression trying to give out an innocence which could hardly be believable.

Hikaru stopped; he carefully evaluated his options.

He knew what he should’ve done.

He should’ve refused. Go back home to Yabu and Yuya, because that was his place.

He looked Inoo straight in the eyes, holding his breath.

He took his phone, writing a text to Kota to inform him he was going to be late.

“Let’s go.” he murmured, and Kei was way too happy about it.

 

~

 

Hikaru was uncomfortable.

They were sitting on the couch, and Inoo had given him a beer. 

He was quietly sipping it, throwing brief glances toward the other boy, always finding him with his eyes fixated on him.

He sighed, putting the bottle down on the coffee table.

“Kei... why did you want me to come here?” he asked when he couldn’t take it anymore, tired of the fact that they both pretended there was no tension between them.

The elder put down his beer too, then got slowly closer.

“Can’t you imagine that?” he murmured in his ear, and Hikaru felt that shiver again, which managed to make him feel sick with himself for how much he was attracted by him.

He pulled back a little.

“Kei... you know that we can’t.” he said, without managing to look him in the eyes.

The other smiled, getting close enough to wrap an arm around his waist.

“Why can’t we, _Hikacchi_?” the younger fidgeted.

Kota and Yuya were the only ones calling him that.

Dazed by the freedom Kei had taken, he got up the couch, abruptly pushing his arm away.

 “Because I’m spoken for, you should know that. And Yabu and Yuya are your friends too, aren’t they?” he asked, bothered.

Inoo stood up too, in front of him.

“Of course I know you’re spoken for.” there was no amusement left in his voice. “And of course they’re my friends. But...” he hesitated, lightly brushing his arm. “I can’t help it. Whenever I look at you I forget they exist. That they can be with you and I can’t. That they have permission to touch you, kiss you, sleep with you, while I have to settle for stealing glances or casual touches.” as he spoke, his voice got more bitter. “I know it’s wrong for me to think like this, but I can’t help it.” he said, sighing.

Hikaru kept still, and didn’t pull his arm away from his touch.

He didn’t know what to say, what the right reaction was.

He could understand, somehow. He thought about when the three of them weren’t together yet, how he felt every time he saw Yabu and Yuya close, how set aside he felt...

Yes, he got how Kei was feeling.

But it was something they couldn’t get out of, something for which there was no solution, to make them all happy.

“I’m sorry, Kei. I can’t help you.” he said, trying to sound detached, miserably failing.

Inoo smiled, briefly.

“But you’ve said you’re spoken for. You didn’t say you don’t feel anything for me, right Hikacchi?” he replied, somehow haughty. He got even closer. “I know you want me. I can tell by the way you look at me.” he murmured, mellow.

Hikaru held his breath.

“I won’t let you ruin what I have with them.” he said, his voice feeble. He cursed himself for that comment, for not having been able to deny his attraction for him.

Because what Kei had said was true: Hikaru wanted him, more than he had actually realized up to that point.

He wanted to feel him even closer, he wanted to touch him and be touched, kiss him, and feel that shiver again, the feeling of being with someone he hadn't dared to get close to until now. The feeling of something new, that had been long since forgotten with Yabu and Yuya.

Inoo didn’t miss his stare, nor Hikaru’s hands torturing each other.

He smiled, bringing a hand behind his head, slowly, as if he was afraid he could’ve scared him.

Then he kissed him, and Hikaru forgot there were two people home waiting for him.

It didn’t last long; the younger managed to test the texture of Inoo’s lips under his own, to feel his hands on his waist, to feel the intense desire of touching him; but when he felt the other’s tongue seeking access in his mouth he stopped, pushing him away.

He harshly brushed a hand over his mouth, as if he wanted to erase the taste of that kiss.

But he couldn’t.

They kept looking at each other for what felt like an eternity, until he decided to speak.

“You’re unfair.” he said, glaring.

Inoo shrugged, oblivious to that statement.

“I just did what we both wanted. And I won’t feel guilty about it.” he replied.

The younger sighed, biting on his tongue.

“I won’t let you close enough to hurt me.” he whispered.

“Isn’t it too late for that?” he other pointed out, his eyes now thoughtful again, his voice bitter.

Hikaru didn’t say anything else.

He turned away and walked toward the front door, allowing himself just one more glance to him before leaving.

Inoo’s face was a mask of sadness, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry about it.

Because right now, he was far from being happy himself.

 

~

 

That night, at home, he had tried to hide his foul mood to the other two.

It hadn't been that hard; he had stayed aside, without taking part in their conversations, using tiredness as an excuse.

Later in bed, while Yuya and Kota were already sleeping, he was uselessly trying to do the same.

He couldn’t help it; he couldn’t look anywhere that didn’t let him see, even partially, them; and looking at them brought what had happened at Inoo’s back to his mind.

The guilt was almost unbearable.

He couldn’t think about what he had done to the boys he loved, he couldn’t think about the feeling of those lips and those hands. And that he had liked it.

He felt sick.

He tried the opposite strategy and looked directly at them, studying their features.

They were his choice. Since the three of them had gotten together, he had never regretted that decision.

And he didn’t now either, even after having tested how it felt to be _so_ close to someone who wasn’t them.

He thought he should’ve done something, but he knew there was no such thing as making it better.

He would've kept it for himself and, he was sure, Kei would've done the same.

He would've kept going down his road, with that relationship that satisfied him, that made him happy.

And that afternoon, that kiss and that feeling, they would've been only a stain on his heard.

Indelible, but Hikaru didn’t want to forget anyway.

Maybe with Yabu and Yuya he didn’t get anything new, anything forbidden.

But still, he felt loved, and there was nothing else he could’ve asked for.

He managed to fall asleep, looking at them, aware that he would've spent infinite other nights in that bed with them.

That certainty made him feel a little lighter, finally.


End file.
